Areas of Focus
Loneliness
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“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. […] Yes, there is joy, fulfilment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”
Loneliness takes several forms. Relational loneliness, the most common, ranges from a thinness of friendship and casual connection at one end to the absence of deep, sustaining intimacy at the other. Cultural loneliness is often experienced by expats and immigrants who miss the rhythms and familiarity of life back home. Existential loneliness is an inescapable part of the human condition: we come into the world alone, move through life as separate persons even when in close relationship, and leave it alone even when surrounded by those we love.
Relational loneliness is shaped by attachment style. An ambivalent attachment pattern, for example, tends to undermine closeness because intimacy has become associated with hurt. Loved ones are kept at arm's length, and we unknowingly contribute to the very loneliness we suffer.
Cultural loneliness is unlikely to be fully remedied. It is most often eased by time spent with others from the same country or culture, and for some it resolves only by going home.
Existential loneliness has no remedy. It asks to be lived with, and meaning and purpose are what make that bearable.
Therapy addresses the relational form, examining the attachment patterns that keep others at a distance, recognising how earlier experiences shaped the expectation that closeness will lead to hurt, and gradually allowing for the kind of contact that has been protected against.
References
DiTommaso, E., & Spinner, B. (1997). Social and emotional loneliness: A re-examination of Weiss' typology of loneliness. Personality and Individual Differences, 22(3), 417–427.
Frankl, V. (1962). Man's search for meaning; An introduction to logotherapy. Boston: Beacon Press.
Weiss, R. (1973). Loneliness: the experience of emotional and social isolation. Cambridge: The MIT Press.