Areas of Focus
Grief
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“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Four types of grief have been identified. Anticipatory grief arises in advance of a loss, such as when a loved one has a terminal illness. Normal grief is the natural response to a loss that has occurred. Disenfranchised grief describes losses that are not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported, including miscarriages, terminations of pregnancy, and early infant death. Complicated grief is a prolonged state of grieving that does not resolve over time.
Grief is experienced and expressed in different ways. Some cry and talk openly; others fall silent or withdraw. There is no single right way.
A widely used five-stage model offers a rough map. Disbelief spreads the impact of the loss across time. Anger follows, with blame placed on oneself, on others, or on God. Bargaining involves obsessive wondering about what could have been, marked by "what if" and "if only" questions. Depression brings hopelessness, sadness, and a sense of futility in the face of death's irreversibility. Acceptance arrives when the loss becomes manageable and new memories begin to form.
These stages do not occur in a fixed order. You may find yourself accepting the loss and bargaining within the same day. Birthdays and religious occasions often bring painful feelings to the surface and are widely known to be difficult.
Therapy following loss does not aim to shorten grief or hurry it along, but to allow the loss to be felt, spoken about, and gradually integrated into ongoing life. For complicated grief in particular, the work involves understanding what has kept the loss from moving, which is often connected to the nature of the relationship that has ended.
References
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. London: Routledge.
Rubin, S. (1999). The two-track model of bereavement: Overview, retrospect, and prospect. Death Studies, 23(8), 681–714.